It was long past Christmas. For the second year in a row, I lay in bed, curled tightly into a ball. My tears were still flowing. I was surprised I had any left. My eyes felt swollen as I looked up at the clock beside my bed. The hands showed a bright 4.56am. I buried her face in my pillow as a fresh bout of tears came once more, wracking my entire body. I bit my lip to stop the sobbing from slipping past my lips. I had dreamt of him again. The memories I kept locked up during the day ran amok at night. I could not stop them from reminding me how pathetic I was, how lonely I felt. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping for the feeling to fade. I still did not have the courage to delete his sms-es yet. I hugged myself tight, trying to erase everything from my mind. In the distant, I thought I heard sleigh bells ringing. It was probably a figment of my imagination, but still, I looked up to the purple sky anyway.
“Santa,” I whispered, as the tears continued to pour down my cheeks, “Please. I don’t want to feel this way next year. Next year, I don’t need any expensive gift. All I want is to smile again, because I think I’ve forgotten how,” I sobbed, my shoulders shuddering once more and the tears streamed down my face, like a never ending flow…
January 2009
I smiled and tried to look confident, pretending not to feel the panic welling up within me as I search fruitlessly for my classmates. “Over here!” a loud shrill, yet familiar voice caught my attention. I felt my knees go weak with relief as I walked over to the memorable face. I plastered a grin on my face. It felt wrong somehow, like it didn’t fit. I felt safe now that I was surrounded by the well-known faces. Against my will, my eyes were drawn to him. My mouth went dry and my heart gave a painful twist as I watched him walked past me like he didn’t care. Quickly, I averted my eyes and pretended to be immersed in my friends’ conversation. I didn’t want to care.
March 2009
I became a cougar. Exhilaration rushed through me. I felt like I could do anything. But, it was not meant to be. Still, it helped erase some of the pain that gave me sleepless nights. I slept fitfully now, the first in many months. It was a small step, but a step nonetheless. I decided to push how far I could go. I pressed that delete button that I had dared not dare to do months before. I closed my eyes and waited with bated breath for regret and pain to wash through me. They did not come. I couldn’t stop the grin from spreading on my face. It was a small victory.
June 2009
I met a new guy. Okay… I’ve known him for quite awhile now. But this was the first time we had ever really talked. Usually we’d only talk about school things and homework. Now we’ve progressed to a place where we could enjoy each other’s company. I found him to be a great friend. One who understood and could sympathize in my plight. I didn’t have to say it out loud, but he knew. Somehow, we forged an unlikely connection.
September 2009
“Well…maybe I do like you,” I grinned, knowing full well my face was red. He grinned back at me, “Well…maybe I like you too.” We sat there staring at each other for a moment before bursting out laughing.
December 2009
I had long forgotten my wish. Christmas came and went. Santa remembered. He taught me to smile again. I stared out at the inky black sky and once again thought I heard sleigh bells ringing. I grinned. Something I had once thought I forgotten how to do. “Thanks Santa,” I murmured sleepily, with that silly grin still stuck on my face, “Thanks for your brilliant Christmas gift this year.”
1 January 2010
Today’s the New Year. The night before was spent together with him. We didn’t go to any fancy parties or took part in any countdowns. We just spent it like we always did. Together. Poking fun at each other, laughing at each other’s inane jokes and yet reveling in its magic. A New Year resolution? Stick together with this guy for awhile. He may not be the world’s perfect guy, but he loves me despite my silliness.
Picture by : Royston Toh
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