Bedroom Amour

Your lips on my skin

Bringing my to ecstasy

Don’t mess with me

If this is just a fling

Get out of my bed

And out of the door

My heart’s laid open for you

It’s bleeding now

And you’re not stopping it

The wheels have start turning

Take responsibility

Don’t leave me

My world’s gone topsy-turvy

Take hold of me

Don’t go without me

Head pounding

Blood rushing

You and me, skin touching

The moonlight seeps through

You embrace me

And I hold on tight

Time’s no bother

We’ve got all night

But that’s too short

The wheels have start turning

Take responsibility

Don’t leave me

My world’s gone topsy-turvy

Take hold of me

Don’t go without me

Picture by : Royston Toh

The Forgotten Monsters in the Closet

There was a story once told

Of faeries and bluebirds

With sunshine and rainbows in the air

But they didn’t tell you

About the witches and crows

And the thunderstorms that came before

Neither did they warn you

About the dragons and lizards

Hiding in caves

Nor about the monsters

And gloomy forests

Lying in wait for their next victim

I bet they didn’t tell you

About the troll that lived under the bridge

Bidding his time for you to come along

Did they forewarn about

The bandits on top of the mountains

Waiting for you to pass by

Or the ghouls in the graveyard

Watching you shake

As you enter through the creaking gates

Can you hear the hyenas laughing

And the wolves howling

When the moon is full

Do you see the dirt crumbling

And that green hand stretching out

Or that limping figure in the distance

Bet you didn’t know

Bet they didn’t tell you

Bet they were waiting for you to fall

And they said

There was a story once told

Of faeries and bluebirds

With sunshine and rainbows in the air

Picture by : Priscillia Vivienne Toh

Reluctant Lover

I twist and turn

Moving along the beat

You hang onto me - trying to make me stop

I shrug your hand off

And kept on turning

“Why?” you had asked

We walked down the pavement

Stopping at McDonald’s

Getting ice-cream

“Which flavor do you like?” I asked

Chocolate.

So I bought two vanillas for us

I stared into space

Music pounding in my ears

You said something

I pointed to my ear buds

Your face twists-

You walked off before I could ask “What?”

We said on the cold, hard floor

Back against back

Staring up at the sky

This was the end of the line – I felt it

But you didn’t let go

“Let’s try again.”

I didn’t understand –

Couldn’t

My head hurts from trying

“Let’s stop here,” I said

No, you told me, we need to keep going

And you half-dragged, half-carried me along

“Enough!” I shouted in your face

“I hate you!”

You just looked at me-

Your eyes emotionless

I have enough love for us both, you whispered

Into my hair, me in your arms

Why, you begged, won’t you love me?

I stared into your eyes

And shrugged

Something’s are simply not meant to be, I told you

You stood there stunned

Nodding your head – Okay, I give up, you win

I watched you walking away

I remembered everything you did and said

You said you had enough love for both of us

I thought for a minute - thinking, debating

Surely, you’d come back

You didn’t

I couldn’t turn anymore

I couldn’t twist

I felt like I was drowning

And there was no one to help me

Enough, I said

Time to go home now

I ran after you

Emotionless, senseless

What, you asked, do you want?

Your voice ice-cold

You, I said

You crushed me in your arms

My reluctant lover

You called me

I tried to smile – it looked like a grimace

You laughed

Smug and confident

Your arm around me tight

Picture by : Royston Toh

Santa's Promise

December 2008

It was long past Christmas. For the second year in a row, I lay in bed, curled tightly into a ball. My tears were still flowing. I was surprised I had any left. My eyes felt swollen as I looked up at the clock beside my bed. The hands showed a bright 4.56am. I buried her face in my pillow as a fresh bout of tears came once more, wracking my entire body. I bit my lip to stop the sobbing from slipping past my lips. I had dreamt of him again. The memories I kept locked up during the day ran amok at night. I could not stop them from reminding me how pathetic I was, how lonely I felt. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping for the feeling to fade. I still did not have the courage to delete his sms-es yet. I hugged myself tight, trying to erase everything from my mind. In the distant, I thought I heard sleigh bells ringing. It was probably a figment of my imagination, but still, I looked up to the purple sky anyway.

“Santa,” I whispered, as the tears continued to pour down my cheeks, “Please. I don’t want to feel this way next year. Next year, I don’t need any expensive gift. All I want is to smile again, because I think I’ve forgotten how,” I sobbed, my shoulders shuddering once more and the tears streamed down my face, like a never ending flow…

January 2009

I smiled and tried to look confident, pretending not to feel the panic welling up within me as I search fruitlessly for my classmates. “Over here!” a loud shrill, yet familiar voice caught my attention. I felt my knees go weak with relief as I walked over to the memorable face. I plastered a grin on my face. It felt wrong somehow, like it didn’t fit. I felt safe now that I was surrounded by the well-known faces. Against my will, my eyes were drawn to him. My mouth went dry and my heart gave a painful twist as I watched him walked past me like he didn’t care. Quickly, I averted my eyes and pretended to be immersed in my friends’ conversation. I didn’t want to care.

March 2009

I became a cougar. Exhilaration rushed through me. I felt like I could do anything. But, it was not meant to be. Still, it helped erase some of the pain that gave me sleepless nights. I slept fitfully now, the first in many months. It was a small step, but a step nonetheless. I decided to push how far I could go. I pressed that delete button that I had dared not dare to do months before. I closed my eyes and waited with bated breath for regret and pain to wash through me. They did not come. I couldn’t stop the grin from spreading on my face. It was a small victory.

June 2009

I met a new guy. Okay… I’ve known him for quite awhile now. But this was the first time we had ever really talked. Usually we’d only talk about school things and homework. Now we’ve progressed to a place where we could enjoy each other’s company. I found him to be a great friend. One who understood and could sympathize in my plight. I didn’t have to say it out loud, but he knew. Somehow, we forged an unlikely connection.

September 2009

“Well…maybe I do like you,” I grinned, knowing full well my face was red. He grinned back at me, “Well…maybe I like you too.” We sat there staring at each other for a moment before bursting out laughing.

December 2009

I had long forgotten my wish. Christmas came and went. Santa remembered. He taught me to smile again. I stared out at the inky black sky and once again thought I heard sleigh bells ringing. I grinned. Something I had once thought I forgotten how to do. “Thanks Santa,” I murmured sleepily, with that silly grin still stuck on my face, “Thanks for your brilliant Christmas gift this year.”

1 January 2010

Today’s the New Year. The night before was spent together with him. We didn’t go to any fancy parties or took part in any countdowns. We just spent it like we always did. Together. Poking fun at each other, laughing at each other’s inane jokes and yet reveling in its magic. A New Year resolution? Stick together with this guy for awhile. He may not be the world’s perfect guy, but he loves me despite my silliness.

Picture by : Royston Toh

Travelouge of a Daydreamer

My dream

Is to travel the world

Visit the seven wonders

With you by my side

We’ll go to Japan

Come spring

With snow melting and flowers blooming

And you and I will sit on the porch and sip miso soup

We’ll fly to France

Once it’s summer

So we can still wear t-shirt and jeans

And it won’t be hot

We’ll travel to UK

In the autumn

And see the stone hedges

Ancient castles and curious lochs

We’ll sail to Russia

Once it turns grey

And see how the snow

Will cover the Tsar’s palace

And once we’ve seen enough

Come January

We’ll go home

Wherever we make it be

Picture by : Royston Toh

8 March 2010

I scrolled through my documents, relishing the moments, enjoying and discovering my new desktop. One particular document caught my mind. That one story I had written for you just last year. Me, so silly and foolish, so caught up in the moment. And you, only god know what you were thinking. Wave after wave of memories wash through me. The past year had been eventful.

We met, one afternoon. I was keeping to myself, only talking to the cross-country runners, as I knew them from before. You were laughing with your track-and-field teammates. We barely knew each other. We spoke, only because of a chance given by fate. Honestly, if it weren’t for fate, I wouldn’t be this happy now. Honestly, if it wasn’t for you, I would most probably be alone now.

“I need to leave early on Wednesday,” I told my physics teacher, CCA teacher-in-charge, and above all, my friend.

“Why?”

“Church. It’s Ash Wednesday,” I told him, with a don’t-you-know tone.

You cut in, “Why don’t you going in the morning?”

I glanced at you, “My friends are all going in the evening, plus, morning mass starts at 5.30am. I’ll die.”

“C’mon, go with me and Michael, it’ll be fine. Then we can go to school together after that. School starts late anyway,” you badgered.

I bit my lip. You were cute. That was all. Nothing else. But, me, being so caught up in the moment, agreed. It was an impulse, and a foolish one. But if it weren’t for that one foolish impulse, I wouldn’t be so contented right now.

You and I fell for each other from the start. Yet, we weren’t meant to be. Your heart wasn’t loyal, wasn’t true. You weren’t what I wanted. I was left once again alone, and betrayed. Looking back, I’m glad you did that. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have found what I was really looking for. Where there are endings, there will be beginnings.

Thanks to you I made new friends within your group, especially with two certain boys. Or rather two, very gallant young men. They knew, what you did to me. They knew how hurt I was, even though I tried hard to cover it up. And one of them began to touch my heart.

It was a chance that fate gave; a beginning for an ending. He and I started out as mere friends, where he would ask me for help with Literature and such. We would hang out, go for movies and basically be friends. I don’t know when it happened, but it did. Suddenly, everything thing changed. Something happened, and I realized I was slowly falling for this person. My feelings reciprocated.

On 6th September 2009, it happened. Nothing asked, nothing said. We just got together, our quiet, little romance. We have ups-and-downs like any couple would, but otherwise fine. It is like we are made for each other. Where I am rash, he slows me down. Where he is planned, I am spontaneous. Like ying-and-yang, we matched each other in every way. So honestly, I have you to thank. If it weren’t for you and what you did, I would most probably still moping somewhere else now, getting hurt all over again. So even though what yoœu did to me was somewhat unforgivable, thank you. Because it was what you did that help me find such happiness today.

Picture By : Royston Toh

8 March 2009

I looked at the clock. Its glow-in-the-dark numbers showed a glaring 11.45pm. "Shit! We’ve got school tomorrow!" My voice scratchy from tiredness, "Die man!" I hear your soft laughter on the other end, stifled so that your parents won’t hear. I hear my soft giggle echoing along repressed so that my parents wont come rushing in.

"So," I whispered, grinning madly for no reason, beyond caring, "Why did you choose me?"

I never got to hear your answer. Maybe you managed to avoid it. Or maybe it was because my mind was too sleepy to comprehend. (I found out later that it was because I’m unique, very super duper fun to play with, not so serious and best of all pretty)

But I remembered wondering out loud; about where we stood, what were we together. I remembered agreeing to wait. I remembered agreeing to wait for each other. Two years sweetheart. Two years.

The time was 11.55pm when we made that pact

I remembered my last thoughts before dozing off:
"How long will we last?"
"Will I get heartbroken again?"
"Why am I smiling?"
"Oh gosh, he messed my brains up! I’m smiling for no freaking reason again!"

So now here I am, wondering if we'd last that long. It’s still too early to say, but there will come a day, when we'll snap at each other, when we'll have cold wars with each other. Would we be able to pull through? Would we be able to hang on? Would we be able to give and take? Or would I end up picking up the bits and pieces of my heart again? I guess I’ll never know. Not until 2011.

I’m counting the days down darling. Are you?

picture by : Royston Toh